Monday, January 8, 2007

Substance abuse

Everyone know that a live action transformers movie is pending, coming down the long narrow slope of bad ideas into the underbrush of reality to slip the sluiceways of our scenes, get in there good and screw up all notions of common sense perceptibility. But I’m getting ahead of myself, of course. We haven’t seen the film yet, only some seriously lame attempts at getting my blood ready for a summer extravaganza that will go down as healthily as a bucket full of butter soaked empty calories and a big gulp of some fruity red drink that leaves your mouth looking like you’ve ripped out the jugular vein of the sap sitting next to you from sheer frustrated horror at the money you lost at price of admission… Heavens, there I go again, alright let me breath and make some sense. No no, where as it is true that the movie is not out, so I could not possibly hate something I have not yet seen and still call myself an enlightened individual, it is true we know whom it is that will be bringing this delight of wonderment to us when the weather goes warm and fuzzy once more. And where as, it’s true I myself have fallen sucker-fish-Freddy for gimmicky ad campaigns (most recently coming to mind the wonderfully majestic teaser trailer of superman returns, simply for the fact that the john Williams score, accompanied by the voice of the late great Marlon Brando was thrust once more in my life) that show you very little of the picture but give you quick beats of brazen special effect ridden excitement, this piece of crud has gone too far. And by that I mean not far enough. Amongst those that call me friend, there is no secret of my absolute distain for Michael Bay. The utmost, grand high exalted, box office whore, sleazebag behind such tantalizingly tawdry tidbits like the Island and Pearl Harbor. I wasn’t even a fan of him back in the con air/ the rock and Armageddon days, where it was thought he was a contender for quality workmanship. Boy were you saps fooled! This man is the archetypical great white hunter of movie making! Brash, unfeeling, running roughshod at high speed over any chance at meaning or substance in his work to hit us with the big budget money shot, fearful (by his own admitting) of “talking scenes” where there’s not heart beats of constant roller coaster action happening within each microsecond. Standing on the shoulders of creative giants like Spielberg, Coppola, Ridley and Tony Scott and even Tarantino (at times), riding on the deservedly long coat tails of Bruckheimer to administer celluloid punishment on the masses, it’s almost as though the man hates all the things about film making and story telling that make them worth while mediums. And these two lousy trailers prove my point that it will probably be happening again with this brand new technological extravaganza he’s concocted. The first, a blindingly weak half baked come hither taunt, showing us a roving satellite probe on the surface of mars, being destroyed (pov of the camera lenses, while yet oddly enough seeing nothing clearly) by what we can assume is a transformer, Autobot or Decepticon affiliation unknown. Then a pull back of the precious earth, where we then see an ominous mechanical eye peering down, hovering just above it. (Didn’t we already see that type cheap trick back when it was interesting, say with alien 3? And how well did that turn out for us, my good friends?) Ooooooh intriguing!!! Then we come to the long awaited follow up, the actual trailer, which shows us, SURPRISE SURPRISE… nothing!! A bunch of quick flashes of imagery, some characters transforming, fast fades in and out of black just before the eyes can detect anything of interest. (can anyone say BREATHING TRAILER Episode II? And that, folks, to show you my point, was considered a Teaser, not a full blown trailer) More Get me Grab me tactics by the milquetoast master of transparent angles and saccharine popcorn entertainment, Michael Bay. I hold no hope for this film. I’m going now, I feel dizzy…:) Yours now and everafter now…

Screamer H.
(Hassan Godwin)

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